Life Lessons
Today, I have learned that I am a renegade [in the friend realm] because I choose to be. As much comfort as having someone, or some people, right there with me... I chose to disdain it all. Maybe my true happiness comes in suffering...? My life seems to be about going against the grain lately. Or just not going anywhere. I don't really know what's going on anymore. I just feel... sick to my stomach all the time. And cold, except when I wake up; I'm burning hot then. I'm sure my diet (ugh) is really helping me. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I went outside in at least a week. That's
REAL healthy. *sigh*
I dunno. Maybe I should just try to go to sleep... OH WAIT I dunno if I really can. Maybe if I stay awake all day, I can knock my schedule back to normal. That would rock; a day before class starts and a week before my sleep analysis test. The doctors love that stuff. Playing DDR with Hooch while tired would be great, too.
Monday being Memorial Day will be crappy for me. I don't even get to hang out with my family. Maybe I should burn a candle for the sweet little girl named Simone that everyone misses. And then get up early Tuesday morning and try to get my Econ book.
Sorry, still no comments. Although Mike is the only person that actually READS my blog and gives half a you-know-what about what I'm thinking. And prolly Elijah. Maybe the random people that browse upon my site need to leave comments too...
I should have just stayed in Mt. Sterling for the summer. Oh well, it's too late to turn back now.
If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.
Yet Another Sleepless Night
The people at the sleep center will be so pissed off at me. *sigh* Whatever, they can shooooooove it! Bridget just called me and told me her grandmother died. I've always considered us yin and yang, but today I really saw it. When my grandmother died a couple weeks ago, I didn't cry when I learned half as much as she did. Maybe part of that is because I expect my grandmother's death... Bridget's grandmother's oxygen machine just malfunctioned. She called 911, and they helped as much as they could but when it's your time to go, it's your time to go, right? I'm glad she was there for me as much as she could be, now it's my turn to do the same. That's what friends are for. :)
As far as the car story goes... oh my goodness, I >hate< incompetent people! (which means I occasionally hate myself; I'm used to this sentiment by now) Anyway, AAA dislikes it when the owner of the car and the cardholder aren't the same, even if the latter bore the former! Bastards. Doesn't matter, I know what the problem is (in part)... there was no oil in the engine (damnit!!!), and there is a rod knocking in the engine (this always causes a ...unique visual for me).
And, in the 'other' section for today...
you suck. It's days like that which make me regret ever being social. Ugh. I can admit being wrong but jeez, rub it in why don't ya! So, in closing, you suck. You suck bigtime. I'll see you in class next week.
My brain is in the balance. My LIFE is in the balance. Everything needs to be in balance. I feel like I'm out of whack. I don't sleep properly. I don't eat regularly. I should be out doing something (like trying to find ways to get my car fixed). I want to go back to Mt. Sterling, but if one more person from whirlin' sterlin' asks me when I'm coming home I swear I'll scream and not come back until the 4th of July.
I'm just cross because I want my car fixed. It feels like having a newborn, then having to cart it off to intensive care barely after it has learned to roll over by itself. And having to pick out the best hospital while its delicate life hangs in the balance every second you can't make a deciscive decision. Or maybe more accurately, having a newly adopted preteen spasming off into psychobabble oblivion and praying you can get your new child the help she needs before collapsing into an unsalvagable puddle of despair and bad memories.
I feel depressed. Braindead. Unhelpful. Uncaring. Desperate. Clingy. *sigh* I just want to sleep all day, but I know I have to call the hospitals as early as possible in the morning to find out who can fix my baby ASAP.
On the bright side (because there's always a bright side), I finally decided to take just ONE class over the summer... I'm taking Macroeconomics with
Mike (and Bob). I'm sure Mike's rejoycing at the prospect of a friendly face with whom he can study... and Bob rejoycing at the fact that he can make fun of a stupid person in that class that he actually KNOWS. :) It will alleviate boredom, get some blood flowing to those now-dead brain cells, give me a good academic challenge (
if I get an A I'll have a 3.010 cum. GPA; if I get an A- I'll have a 2.99 cum. GPA I just looked at my GPA, I forgot how to divide... the REAL challenge will be getting the A; people say this lady's evil. Mike and I have figured her to be another Maronesque teacher), and hopefully get me back into a regular schedule (with 2 jobs *knock on wood* also helping with that one).
I need a job besides REACH to sustain me through the fall... But I can't job search effectively with a car which can't go farther than 5 miles without dying. So,
STOP FUCKING ASKING IF I'M LOOKING! You know I'm looking, moron. I don't want to bike out to Bardstown!!! I'm such a slow biker... plus the cars are just
hawking for something other than neighboring cars to hit. And Shelbyville Road? Pffft. Just dig a hole and throw me in it. There is no way I'm taking anything besides my car out there. End of story!
I didn't fall off the face of the planet, don't worry
not like you care anyway...
So,
Mike has a weblog. Yay :D I have to remember to put him (and all my LA kids) up on the links page. I'm thinking about putting comments up, and leaving the tagboard behind. We'll see. I also need to update my, um, everything! So maybe that (and getting a job, and losing weight) can be my summer task(s). Yay. :)
I'm back in Louisville. Come by and see me. I am the epitome of boredom and broke-dom.
My car is broken already. Argh...
Grandma died last night, around 10.30 my time (I think).
So, I'm not taking summer classes. It won't be worth it. Good luck to everyone, and I'll see you in the fall, or maybe the spring. Or maybe just randomly. Thanks for everything. :)
Don't worry, I'll post later on in the summer... it will just be a lot later. I also got rid of the tagboard. Unlike me, no one knows if they'll be back or not. But I love school too much not to come back in the fall.
With the good comes the bad...
I just talked to Dad and he said Gran is terminal... the doctors are giving her 2 weeks, tops. So, if I'm really passive and quiet over the summer, you'll know why. He said she's in a lot of pain right now, and anything the doctors would do would just prolong the pain instead of making her life healthier and better. When Gran passes, it will be the first funeral for a female that I remember, and I think the second of a female relative. Our family will also shift over from totally matriarchal (Gran) to mostly patriarchal (my Dad) and some matriarchal (his two older sisters). I know it's weird to talk about my family like royalty, but that's kinda how we operate. Except we don't do that inbreeding thing; that's just too weird.
Pray for my family. ALL of my family. Even if you're not religious. We're going through some rough stuff now with my haywire aunt, my gran dying, my parents potentially on the brink of losing their jobs... it will be a rough summer. Who knows, I might just drop all my summer classes. It would suck but hey, school will always be there. Especially Speed. My family won't always be here, so I gotta live it like today's the last day.
Well, you could say I'm excited... because I saved about $100 on books! Yeah! I got to the bookstore and the woman was like, "You need this book..." And I was like, "But I already have that book! Yes! Money saved!" Plus, another book I got was like $7 or so cheaper at this bookstore. So I got some paper and a couple notebooks (I should have gotten smaller ones, but you know how I am), and I was off on my merry little way! I also got a parking pass today. I still need to go by the damned Bursar's office. And write a scholarship appeal letter. I realized that I can still get partial aid (DUH!) because my GPA is on that "75% range" part of the scale. Partial aid is better than no aid! But I have to figure out why they don't think I have community service hours. Hmm... That's okay, I can put down my Spanish Café hours as the rest of my CSHs. :) Yay for getting money to go to school!
Pray for my family, especially my granny (Dad's mom) because she's really sick, and my parents because Dad is gone a lot to visit Gran, and Mom's work could be downsizing because of or governor's budget cuts. *sigh* If worse comes to worse, >I< could get a job. Ugh. Oh well, co-op is around the corner, it'd only be a summer job. Yay for working with goofy, pimply, pubescent teens. Haha. :)
Love ya lots. Off to class!!! Allonz-y! (That means "let's go!" in French. Don't ask, they spell things weird. :D )
it's all about the benajmins. :_( i am broke and there's no real way to fix it. school is the biggest rip-off ever. like one of those necessary, OVERLY EXPENSIVE, evils. oh well...
Springtime: there's failure in the air
What did I do wrong? Why can't I get good grades this semester? UGH. All because of one class. I'm just stubborn. And not intuitive enough. I could have just dropped the class and been okay. But since I'm dumb and didn't bother looking up whether the class was offered in the summer or not, I just kept taking it. I've seen that all the grades that I thought I could get are lower than I expected. I thought I was going to get A's and maybe 2 B's this semester. Instead of A's I have A-'s (not great for the GPA), at LEAST 3 B's, and a D. Maybe if I wouldn't have screwed up so many times before, I wouldn't be in th epredicament. Again. *sigh* I really hope the scholarship appeals committee grants my appeal for full scholarship. If not, I'll just stay on the reduced one. It's better than no money, but I really wanted to have my full scholarship back. It's okay, I guess... after my repeat of the class I'm going to get a D in, I think I'll be able to keep all my KEES money. I hope...
I feel like I'm starting to dig myself into a financial hole without fully realizing it. Maybe after co-op, I can be okay for a little while. UGH I wish everything didn't revolve around money. Worrying about money just makes people sad.
Well, I guess I should go shower, now. It's my second-to-last day on campus so I better make good use of it by cleaning my room. And hopefully I can find the plug to my electric skillet so that I can make chili. I really don't want to go buy milk, because the rest of the food I want to make requires milk. Decisions, decisions... I could always just go to the Chinese place.
I don't really know what I want to do with my site, but I hope in the month after summer classes that I'm home I get something nice accomplished. Some things I want to do short-term include adjusting my links page (and adding all my LA kids ;-D ),
maybe getting rid of frames (I'm sure you'll all rejoyce about that!), and just rearranging the layout. Who knows, I might get a stint at a bookstore or library and pick up a DHTML book or something... Okay, I'm just dreaming (yes, I've always wanted to
live err, work at a library. :D )
I finally told Mom about the money issue. She didn't freak out about it as much as I expected her to freak out about it, so it's possible that I can still go to summer school if I don't make grades and I don't get my scholarship appeal letter accepted. I still gotta find a way to pay for stuff for about 3 weeks (uhh, I can get $$ from my parents I guess... a few hundred bucks in the bank for gas and grocery trips ONLY should work). And books. Ugh. It's okay though, I'll have full money back after the summer. Yay, not having to pay for stuff will rock. Plus if I go to summer classes I'll be on co-op in the fall... yay!
I think there's a monster that steals my pencils in the night.
And my brain cells.
See ya at 5, when my spring life is officially over! YAY!!!!!!!! I will take a much-deserved nap. And then rearrange furniture. :)
