biancasimone.com

Just when you think...

Just when you think you have people figured out, you realize that no one is to be trusted.

Or maybe the lesson to be learned is that I'm (still) too naivë for my own good.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 10:30 PM 0 comments

tell yourself the truth

I think everyone needs to tell themselves the truth every once in a while. My truth was that unless I lose some weight, and soon, I'm going to have diabetes, or hypertension, or BOTH. Neither of which I want to have right now (or ever). Considering that heart disease is the number one killer of women, I'd like to beat my odds.

For once, I want to be the cute girl in that bikini. I want to be the girl in the mall who takes the shirt that you were eyeing from across the room, and you're jealous because you know she'll look absolutely awesome in it. I want to be the girl in the club with the moves and the style that always steals the attention (and not just for my booty-shaking). I want to be the girlfriend whose boyfriend's friend are always talking about (that one requires looking good and also having a boyfriend).

I don't really think I have a weight loss goal in mind as much as a fitness goal. When people ask about it, I drop different numbers; but for the first time today I told someone how much I really wanna lose. The person was shocked when I said it, because they asked again like they'd lost their mind or hearing, but I repeated it. I also added in that I didn't want to try to lose THAT MUCH in a short time period. Mostly because I'd have to become anorexic or something.

I know that I have low-self esteem, but I really don't know why; people are always telling me good things about me. Like Mom always tells me that I'm such a cute and smart kid. Like Dad always tells me that I have an intense mental capacity, and that I need not abuse my talent for learning. Like my friends always tell me that I'm fun to be around, and fun to talk to, and comical, and goofy, and that my booty-shaking is hypnotizing. [Seriously, I'm not making up the booty-shaking thing.]

Really, though, it doesn't matter how much you try to build a person up (or, for that matter, tear a person down), it only has an effect if they believe it themselves. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that if I'm not the best, then I'm the worst. I don't know where it came from, really, because as a kid I was always the smartest out of my friends and cousins, but no one ever said it. It was just kind of an understood thing. And I never rubbed it in or tried to be bossy or show-offish about it (I only declared myself the boss of my cousins because I was the oldest). It was just one of those things. I probably realized that I was actually a pretty smart kid about the time I started junior high (7th grade). But there was this girl in my gym class who was relentless about harassing me about my weight... which was coincidentally about the time that I started to be noticeably overweight. I can't even begin to count the days that I went home and cried, or just wanted to skip gym because I couldn't handle her every freaking day. And now I think that because she said it, I would think that other people were saying it too. Since then, except for about a 10-month stint in college, I would freak out about how chubby I was and how I looked and all that.

That 10-month period was the first time that I did things for myself: I made/bought my own food; I walked everywhere (partially because I was car-less, and partially because I quickly realized that walking everywhere was great for me); and I was a cute party girl (not party-till-ya-puke though). I lost weight on my own for the first time, and I felt good. Then, the event I've beaten into the ground so many times... my grandmother's death. It sucked, and I just let all of my hard work go.

So now, with no intention to ever be this way again, I firmly declare that I will try to change my lifestyle so that I can attain my ultimate goal. Whatever the hell that means. I just want to feel good. A bad back and bad knees can only do so much. That's another reason why I want to lose weight... my back is starting to give me problems again (since my boobs keep growing, UGH), and we all know the whole knee ordeal that I went through during the summer. The less I weigh, the less pressure on them, and that means I have more chances of feeling good on a daily basis.

Anyway, I think I'm done telling my life story for the eightieth time, and for having a dissertation on how I'm going to lose weight and whatever else. This time I wanna do it. This time, I'm GOING to do it. I can either lose weight or die. Personally, I'd like to stick around for a while.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

conundrum... dum, dum, dum!

So, a friend of mine has found himself in quite a situation. Really, I've been in said situation for like a year now, but I think my friend is just realizing... he would like a significant other. A lady friend. A sweetheart. (My situation is that of wanting to date a cute boy... we'll talk about that later.)

I commissioned myself to spearhead the committee of "gettin' a lady for ya". But as we all know, unless I have a specific person in mind when I actually decide to lead this said group to direct someone towards their eternal (or college) love, it won't work. He's found a few nice girls to talk to, and then there was the one that seemed so cool... but then she was just not. And I won't date him. That is just too weird for me. He's not my type. Really, though, I'm not his type. Not to say we can't hang out and act like big dummies. :)

Anyway, since I've developed this rather plump donut around my midsection, I doubt any dates heading my way in the near future. Unless they're dates with a treadmill. I've also realized that at one time, I could trick myself into having high (or at least not low) self-esteem. Now, I know that I can't trick myself. I just plain old have low self-esteem. I don't feel like I've done anything super-praiseworthy lately. If anything, I should just have a whole bunch of drill sergeants yell at me for like an hour, or until I cry. If they can make me cry in less that 5 minutes, they each get an extra 10% of whatever the hell I decide to pay them.

I'm sooooo ready to graduate. I'm sad that Chris is graduating this May, and I'm only in my 3rd year of engineering (class-wise). Ugh. And I still have another co-op. Not with my current company, though! (If you really want to know that story, you'd probably better call or IM me, because if you ask me in person... yea, just don't ask me in person.) I'm just getting bored with school. That happened to me in high school, and the only time I had fun was in chorus. Mostly because I liked to sing and I was good at it. Well, I like electricity, but after this last semester, I ain't doin' too hot in it. Guess I'll be putting my grades on Spanish. If I can get past composition. Bleh.

I keep telling people that after I graduate that I want to go to Philadelphia. People are always like, "Why, is there something out there?" I always say no, but it's a half-truth. It's not really someTHING, it's someONE. Sort of. I like Philly, and I've always wanted to live there. I just also happen to have a friend that lives near (okay, a few hours from) there, who I would love to be in a long-term relationship. And I'm not talking about friendship! (Well, I guess I'm talking about boyfriendship, so maybe I am talking about friendship. ... Shut up.) Not saying I won't decide to move somewhere else after I live in there. All I know is that once I graduate, I'm saying "Peace, bitch!"* to living in the "Dirrty" South forever. Not that I'll never come back. I'm sure when my mother's relatives' respective times come, we'll be going back south to bury them. I like (most) Southerners, too. But this place just doesn't feel right for me. Louisville is about as close as I'll get to my Old Kentucky Home... it's my little piece of north in the south.

Anyway, this has been a weird week to say the least. So I'm going to sleep, and hopefully go get some new socks and such from the Wal, doing laundry (which I HAVE to do), and going to Qbar with Robbie (yet another reason to laundry-it-up!) ... Tomorrow will be fun, to say the least. :)

Oh, I almost forgot. Waking up every day at 6 AM sucks. Though the car-pooling was a great idea. Good job, Aaron! :)

* - That reminds me of a funny story... I don't remember if I can recall the whole thing, because it's a long story, but ask me about it and test my brain cells... worse come to worse, you'll be buying me ginseng until my time comes to sleep with the wormies. Hah. :)

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 2:38 AM 0 comments

Yay for working!

So today was my first day back on co-op... I've determined that the IT people must not like me, since they deleted my network account but left the other co-op's account. Maybe I just didn't know enough people in admin not to have it deleted. Who knows... or even cares?

Today was a good day, because I caught up on all the whatnot at work, attained a carpool crew, and started reading a good book about Black America in the late 1800s to mid 1900s (and beyond). Also, I like work a lot more. It will suck when I have to go back a bazillion feet in the air where it's blazing hot, but that's okay, because I get to fix stuff and learn at the same time... I'm so easily placated! :D

Apparently, the way I say "I love you" is cute. *grin* As much as I love Southern boys, I think a Northerner has stolen my heart. ;)

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 10:37 PM 0 comments

Afraid of nothing... or nothingness

So, yesterday I totally had a chance of making out with one of my super-cute and fun guy friends (WHO ISN'T GAY!!!) and I didn't. Why? I dunno. Why am I like that? It's like, when I'm not dating anyone I want to have a boyfriend, but when I get close to having a boyfriend, or start to go down that boyfriendly path (the long conversations, and the goofy phone calls until 2 AM, and drawing your initals all over everything, and writing Mrs. whoever all over everything else, and being giddy when his name is even mentioned... do I need to go on), I flip out and I'm like "no." I didn't used to be like this! I was up for a good little make out session all the time. And now, it's like I'm afraid of boys. But I bet I can track it down to one incident that happened about 2 years ago with a boy that I liked that I thought liked me... we went out and he ended up being all over one of our other female friends, and totally ditched me to hang out with her. They're dating now, so yay for them, but I still don't like him very much because he could have at least had the decency to hang out with me for five seconds, and TAKE ME HOME.

Also, I blame stupid ex-boyfriends. They're not the total cause of it, I'm sure, but having stupid ones isn't great. Like the one that broke up with me because one of our mutual friends (at the time; I don't think either of us likes this person anymore) spread some rumors about us, and another guy that said he read about "everything" we did on my blog (not this one, the previous one)... which wasn't true anyway because the extent of what I said about us hanging out on my blog was, "I went to the movies today with my boyfriend... it was fun!" Or the one who made out with my friend like 20 seconds after we broke up. Or the one who practically devoted his life to me and then dropped off the face of the planet... he can be forgiven.

I guess you're supposed to have some healing time or whatever after you get out of a weird relationship like that, but being out of the game too long just makes life suck. But I know that I'm good into getting into relationships just before I have to go somewhere far away, or just before the other person has to go somewhere far away... :/ Long distance relationships are hard, though. I don't know if I can do that again. Being that I'm going to graduate soon (and I could be pressed to do it sooner if I had a boyfriend who I wanted to move in with), I guess I >could< handle a short-term LDR that morphed into a long-term non-LDR.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 7:08 PM 0 comments

i freaking hate sibbie

Some jerk broke my cell phone at a party I just got back from. I won't mention any names because no one will own up to it... jerks.

So, I'm probably going to go home and tell my parents that I now NEED a new phone because my old one is only a paperweight. And barely that.

On the bright side, I laid out with Dottie today (technically yesterday), and I'm going to again tomorrow (technically today), because I'm cool like that! :0D

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 3:24 AM

fifteen months

The last fifteen months has been the biggest waste of time ever. yargh. I haven't done anything productive. I'm a senior, and I only have one co-op out of the way (by this time in my career, I should have all three done, or at least two of the three). I've gained about 50 lbs. (Talk about suck... every time my mom makes me go shopping with her, she just makes me feel bad. She doesn't do it on purpose, she just can't help it). My GPA has pretty much stayed in the same place. It temporarily goes up, but then something stupid brings it back down (network). I had a 2.92 at the beginning of the summer term... now I have a 2.84. I hate school. Absolutely, positively. And I still have two years and at least three degrees before I'm really done (Spanish BS, Electrical BS, Electrical Masters). I like work, but I don't like the drive, and I don't like the fact that sometimes people think I'm don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have a degree. Yet.

I want to turn it all around, but it's so much easier to stay in the hole, or fall in deeper, then to claw out of the hole. It's taken over a year to do this bad... it's probably going to take two more years to get back to where I was before shit started happeneing. Whatever.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 6:31 PM

your most recent disorder/neurosis...? (just ask.)

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile


What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 10:20 PM 0 comments

This is not a test!

I don't know about the title... I'll probably change it later.

So I'm excited about this party we're having tonight... my room seriously needs to be cleaned (which I will get on as soon as I shower) so that people aren't like, "GOD, doesn't she ever clean her room?"

Also, google told me today that I have a split personality. I googled my name and got a whole bunch of hits about me (mostly from high school, council, or IEEE). Then I googled one of my predominately used nicknames and got OTHER hits about me. It was craziness.

UGH! My desire to become a bartender grows stronger with each passing moment (and dollar--I'm so po' that I owe people money again... gah). It's okay, because when I get some dough from co-op, I'm getting a new computer (FINALLY!), planning a road trip (the date still TBD, though the location is known), and possibly a PS3 or Xbox 360.

You know, when Microsoft decides to release its next console (which you know they hafta do), what the heck are they going to name it? They can't name it Xbox 420. I mean, really they could (and think of all the druggies that would love to buy it... and possibly later on pawn it for cash)... but little Billy is probably all conservative and such.

Anyway, I'm going to eat some breakfast (the breakfast bar in the kitchen is calling my name), take a shower, and clean my room until my parents get here... to buy me new clothes. YESS! I love being me. :)

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 10:36 AM 0 comments